stereotypical, three-dimensional

moreprivate — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 06:23:34 +0000

I gained so much weight these past 3 days in college that it’s not even funny.
I stop eating NOW.
Starve starve starve!
Avoid any plans to go get food.
Meditating on it.
Spend more time alone.
Whoever said that being socially isolated actually contributes to weight loss was RETARDED.

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moreprivate — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 08:42:03 +0000

I wonder if Jordan still reads this…
He never really did to begin with.
Hahaha.
At least not while we were close.

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i’m not your babe.

moreprivate — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 08:36:36 +0000

Oh yeah, also, I ran into an old-time friend of mine at the grocery store today
(I was driving my dad there so he could get alcohol and I could get magazines,
I don’t buy food, except for at trader joe’s)
And the first thing she said was
‘Oh my god *my name here* you lost sooo much weight!!’
and then two minutes later,
when I tried to talk about something else,
‘ahh, I just can’t get over how much weight you lost.’
Moments like these make this worth it.
I need more of them.
How can I even think about food when I could experience that alllll the time?
Forget food.
It’s far away.

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don’t call my name, don’t call my name…

moreprivate — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 08:33:03 +0000

I just want to be skinnnnnyyyyy!
NOW!
Ugh.
I binged pretty bad today
but I am SO mentally ready to never eat anything again.
Just… not hungry.
Sorry.
Too busy getting control of my life.
And my room.
I am sleeping minimally and cleaning when I wake up
and then getting everything that’s been hanging over my head out of the way
and that should keep me busy for a day or two.
Too busy to eat, I mean.
And I want to work out.
And if I wake up late, I’m going for a mile run anyway,
because that’s my punishment for waking up so late.
And I’m quitting cigarettes.
Because I noticed I lose the most weight when I don’t smoke.
Fuck that shit.
I need to be at least a LITTLE healthy.

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moreprivate — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 19:56:29 +0000

I did psychedellics for the first time ever yesterday and the last 24 hours have been extremely odd. And all I have to say is that I feel far away from food.

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i’m on the other side of things.

moreprivate — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 04:38:27 +0000

It feels like all my friends are abandoning me recently.
I don’t know why…
Like… What did I do?
Whatever.
This is better.
I like my mind when I’m alone.
I get more done.
In times of depression,
I generally can convince myself of anything
and work towards anything.
And not hanging out with people gives me more me-time.
More time to work out,
more time to read,
more time to make art.
And that’s what I like to do.
I don’t need people.
I’m gonna start this thing now where I don’t hang out with people if they ask me to hang out for the same day? Does that make sense?
Now I want them to include me in their plans ahead of time.
No more… “Hey, wanna hang out today?!”
Because I’m not going to be someone you call when you’re bored.
Oh, that’s right.
I’ll have more time to meditate now.
And to tan.
And just… so much more free time to myself.
It’s gonna be great.

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i need your company.

moreprivate — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 08:10:43 +0000

So I realized that I’m not going to have a scale for 10 days…
Let’s see how much weight I can lose!
Fun fun competition with myself.
If I can do more than 10 pounds, I’m going to reward myself with a t-shirt.
I think I can I think I can I think I can!
I’ll hopefully get to meditate on it this week.
Loseweightloseweightloseweight.
Just need to get under 178.
So that at least I’m not fat according to science.
Stupid body chemistry.
It has to adjust and shit.
Fuck that.
I need to be thin.
NOW.

Also, I don’t think I’ll be good friends with Tom for too much longer. I can feel our friendship ending. And I don’t tolerate being ignored. Fuck that shit. If I text you, you better text back.
And broken promises aren’t cool either.
=/
It just sucks because I feel like Tom doesn’t care at all that it’s like that.
Ah well.

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a single thing.

moreprivate — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 17:52:11 +0000

I just realized that I’ve been eating a lot lately
and I’ve been getting really really fat.
I hate being on my period.
And I hate smoking weed…
I wish I didn’t get hungry.
At least I’ll lost weight on vacation.

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too bad you don’t know.

moreprivate — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 22:26:18 +0000

God. I fucking threw up again today.
I did it while I was drunk Friday, too. Except I was drunk.
But I still stuck my fingers down my throat.
And today, the worst.
I ate for the purpose of throwing up.
Eat. Delete. Repeat.
…
I’d rather just starve.
But I couldn’t help myself, I guess.
We’re purposefully running out of food in the house
because we’re going on vacation soon,
and I just wanted some ice cream.
But I didn’t want the calories.
It’s bad enough that I feel like a whale from having my period.
I just need to be thinner.
175!
That’s such a high number but it’s better than what I am now,
and it’s technically average weight.
So maybe once my BMI doesn’t indicate that I’m overweight,
I’ll stop feeling like I am.
Anyway, going swimming today with friends.
Joy.
Can’t wait for everyone to see my cow-like self.

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i wish…

moreprivate — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 05:44:30 +0000

I’ve been gaining weight back recently and it’s really disturbing.
I need to stay focused and on track.
Spending some time meditating about weight loss tomorrow for sure.
Also meditating about how I wish Tom wanted to hook up for the rest of summer.
I don’t think I even like him that much,
but him and I are both looking for the same things.
And who’s better for that than your best friend?
Hm?
No one, that’s who.
Here’s me, wishing for the best, as always.
I WILL be thin and I WILL be desired.
College is approaching all too quickly and I still have over 20 pounds to lose!
Work outs, water, activities, photos, information.
That’s my summer starting now.
Friends will be in there too, I guess.
Although I’d really much rather not maintain too many friendships.
All friends do is lie to me and make me get fat.
Anyway.
Like I said.
Wishing for the best!

Also, hahaha. I have two blogs and posted this entry on the wrong one. Oooops.

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